You know you've been watching too much Babylon 5 when....




...your hairstyle matches Londo's.

your sexual fantasies include Delenn.

your color is hot pink.

you believe that in a past life you were a member of the Grey Council.

you can't shake the feeling that B4 is DS9.

the only ancient history you know is Babylon's.

you pretend to blackmail Londo.

there is a hole in your mind.

you think vulcans are members of the Psi Corps.

you wonder who would win a fight between a minbari and a vulcan.

your .newsrc is exactly "rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: 1-143406".

you keep saying "data crystal" instead of "diskette".

you finger sinclair@b5.mil.ea and wonder why doesn't it work.

... then you remember that he's now sinclair@ea_embassy.minbar.gov.

... it doesn't work either, and then you conclude it must be a problem
with the nameserver.

someone uses insecticide, you shout "Do you wanna kill N'grath? Are you
mad?".

... then you don't understand why everyone stares at you.

you try to watch Mutai fights on ESPN.

... you actually call them to complain about it.

you want to brain wipe someone you really hate.

you think Darth Vader is a vorlon.

you think Chekov was really Bester doing an undercover spying mission.

you want to become monk of the Third Fain of Chudomo.

you believe the Grim Reaper is a soul hunter.

you wonder what did Captain Kirk do during the Earth/Minbari war.

you wanna know if there are any xenobiology courses in med school.

you ask politics experts wether Al Gore has got the flu already.

you are upset because CNN doesn't report anything about Ragesh 3.

you wonder what's wrong when you calculate your age as >300.

your biggest worry is narn expansionism.

... but recent events change that to *Centauri* expansionism.

you fart, and that makes you think of vorlons.

you keep on thinking what went wrong in the Battle of the Line.

your first son has just been born, and you can't think of any names other
than Londo, Lennier and Kosh.

you pretend to spend some vacations on Mars.

your dreams include something scary about flutes made up of bones.

you're afraid that your soul will escape if you're cut open.

you think Ivanova *IS* God.

you ask the Air Force recruiter about the Starfury Training Program.

you go to the produce section of the grocery store and ask if their spoo
is fresh.

your wardrobe consists of nothing but white, military-pressed collarless
shirts and military pressed slacks.

you wonder who would win a testosterone battle between Garibaldi and Tim
Allen.

you tell the plastic surgeon you want to have an operation to make you an
anatomically correct Centauri.

you have a bumper sticker that says "My other car's a Starfury".

you have a bumper sticker that says "Warning: Fully loaded Cobra Bay in
trunk".

you have made a PPG.

you start scouring the world to try and find enough Quantium-40 to make a
jump-point generator.

you change from zip then fasten to fasten, then zip.

your WWW client's hot list has over 100 entries and 95% of them point to
Babylon 5 pages.

you keep a notepad and pencil next to your bed so that you can write down
what Kosh says in your dreams, should Kosh happen to appear.

at work, you don't go to strikes because of fear of the Rush Act.

you go asking everyone "What do you want?".

you wonder why Lt. Barclay bears a striking resemblance to that demented
war vet in B5's "Downbelow".

... and you wonder how Bester and this war vet got to different
Enterprises in different centuries via the same rift that ate B4.

the phone rings, and instead of picking up the receiver you tap the back
of your hand.

you go to the aquarium and wonder if there's any significance to the fact
that there's a kind of fish called the Garibaldi.

you call your cable operator and ask what cable package comes with ISN.

you are watching Letterman when the camera flashes to the audience. Two
women are sitting quietly, not laughing at the jokes and wearing black
gloves. You immediately shout, "Psicorps!".

you wreck your car on the highway by spinning the wheel fully around while
traveling at 80 miles per hour, trying to imitate Sheridan as he's leaving
the station in _All Alone in the Night_.

you wonder where the hell is that clean, efficient Minbari power source
for your new motorcycle.

you catch yourself looking for rangers in the background while watching an
opera.

you skive off work just to see what the TV listings magazines have to say
about the new episode within an hour of them appearing on the shelves.

you call your travel agent and try to arrange passage to Minbar and get
directions to the Earth embassy.

you're planning your vacation, and the only place that appeals to you is
Molari State Park.

you bite into some fried chicken and say, "Hey, tastes just like Narn!".

you see "Norton utilities for people", and your brain sees "Morden
utilities for people".

you'd like to introduce your sister to Lennier.

you begin fantasizing political conspiracies at your family reunion.

you wish you could stand up when driving your car.

the entire weekend is devoted to preparing and eating one meal.

while watching football, all the blockers look kinda like Kosh.

when conversing with a Star Wars fan you claim that "my shadows can kick
your Dark Side's butt".

Barney and Baby Bop look like a viable alien race.

you begin to wonder if Bester and Dianna Troi are related.

you fantasize about how JMS would have written "The Andy Griffith Show".

you realize that the "Psychic Friends Network" is actually the PR division
of the Psi Corps.

you are spending the night in a shelter to wait out hurricane Erin, and
your only thought is "I'm going to miss Babylon 5 tonight for sure!"

you are disappointed that your newspapers religion page doesn't list a
Foundationist church.

your dreams don't simply include B5 characters and scenes, instead they
are full new episodes.

you trust the Psi-Corps, because the Corps is your friend.

you try alligator at a restaurant, and all you can think of to say is
"Tastes like Narn!".

you have always been here.

you go to the basement and expect to find a moment of perfect beauty in
the darkness.

you look for airlocks to shove irritating people through.

"Scrag 'em" and "Space 'em" have become part of your normal vocabulary.

you call B5-related conversations "dis-kosh-ion"s.

you think genies were Shadow agents.

you back off whenever people ask "What do you want?".

you see a spline-based screen saver, and immediately wonder if Abel Horne
has just interfaced with Control via that computer.

you actually try to make sense out of which side the red thing on
Ivanova's uniform is facing on a particular episode.

you turn a mis-printed M&M upside-down and see the Psi Corps logo
instead of an "m".

you ask jewelry stores if they carry gravity-control rings.

you offer to bring the little pices of red fruit to a friend's wedding.

... and then can't keep yourself from saying 'And so it begins' during the
ceremony.

you wonder wether cylons have anything to do with shadows.

you wonder wether Starbuck is a ranger.

you're not thinking what you're thinking.

you're bored of paying taxes for subsidizing those martian twits.

you get a headache and wonder if you've been through Sector 14.

you start wondering why Oliver Stone didn't mention the Psi Corp's
involvement in the Kennedy assasination.

buying candy from a vending machine, you buy whatever is at selection B-5
(or you at least look there).

you cut yourself just to verify your blood is red - not yellow or green.

Quentin Tarantino appears on a call-in program, and you call to ask if it
was Ambasador Kosh in the briefcase in 'Pulp Fiction'.

you look up the name 'Morden' in your local phone book.

... and when you find one, you call him up and ask him to have his
associates pay a visit to the Warner Bros. exec who decided to delay
broadcast of the final four season two episodes.

... and then you start reading the obituaries in 'Variety' hoping to see
news that a Warner Bros. exec died under mysterious circumstances.

you start dating someone because when you ask 'What do you want?' they
reply 'Never ask that question!'.

... and later break up over a green/purple argument.

you are watching ALIENS and you think the Alien queen is really one of the
shadows and wonder how Ripley is going to see her through its
"invisibility" screen.

you constantly call all world governments to come together before the
coming of the shadows.

you feel you're being nibbled to death by cats.

at a relative's deathbed, you begin forming a wall of bodies, in case a
Soul Hunter appears.

you see a beautiful girl wearing purple smiling at you, but decide not to
approach her because you're wearing green and realize that it could never
work out.

you commit murder because you were disturbed while watching it.

you are shopping for a new vehicle and the only ones that you are
interested in are Ford Rangers and Dodge Shadows.

... and you ask the salesman to demonstrate the hyperspace capibilites of
the Dodge Shadow.

you look for Mr. Garibaldi to hug when you're feeling insecure.

you want to build a statue to Zathras.

your car sings to you while you're sleep.

you ask people "Who are you?", and when they don't answer correctly, you
stick their fingers in an electrical socket.

you rack your brain trying to figure out how the Forces of Light are going
to defeat the Shadows, especially considering how dangerous the Shadow
ships are to other ships.

you check the WWW Lurker site every day for the latest news, and spend
your lunches and breaks at work studying the home page sections.

you have memorized "Signs and Portents" and "The Coming of Shadows", after
having seen each episode on tape about a hundred times.

you have memorized an enormous quantity of B5 trivia, and consider
yourself an expert on the subject, even challenging people to quiz you on
anything about the show.

you plan an expedition to Z'ha'Dum to rescue Sheridan's wife.

you consider killing President Clark yourself, but then realize that it
wouldn't really help the situation.

you threaten someone you hate with the phrase "You will know pain, and you
will know fear, and then you will die.".

you actually have said, "Absofraginglutely."

you want a "Ba-bear-lon 5".

you wonder why the UN has not passed a resolution condeming the Centauri
for their agression and use of outlawed weapons.

you want UN peacekeepers sent to the Narn homeworld.

you accidentally cut yourself and all you can say is, "Dead, Dead,
Dead...".

you check for Narn before entering a elevator.

you try to buy a TV station that runs B5, and then try to have its call
letters changed to KOSH.

you don't trust anyone named 'Sebastian'.

you panic when someone asks 'Who are you?'.

you look for an investigative reporter to do an expose' on the Nightwatch.

you put a Vorlon on top of your Christmas tree.

you start looking for "attributes" on your stomach.

you have just been thru a life threatening situation and all you can think
of saying is "Thank the Great Maker.".

you decide that your wife would look good bald.

you begin to become attracted to Vir.

you start talking to household appliances and your car.

you see the headlights of an oncoming car and you think it's a Vorlon.

you begin wondering when the rangers are going to overthrow the Grey
Council.

you wonder how to hide a Narn war cruiser in your backyard for sanctuary.

you begin to plot the death of Psi Corps for what they did to Talia.

you mark the upcoming episode titles in your datebook.
And the most important of all is:

you worship JMS.

There :)

Apparently from some other WWW site.



You know you've watched too much B5 when:
1. You call a space suit an 'encounter suit'.
2. You refer to the phone as 'babcom'.
3. You refer to yourself as a 'lurker'.
4. You use 'Ivanova' as a euphemism for 'god'.
5. You laugh if anyone says 'Ivanova' and 'sex' in one sentence.
6. You start looking over your shoulder every time anyone mentions the number
13.
7. You accuse somebody of 'koshing it' if they won't give you a straight answer.
8. You attack somebody because they're wearing a green tie.
9. You make whistling noises every time you're about to say something profound.
10. You try to fasten your watch on the back of your hand so it looks like a
B5 communicator./You get an irresistable urge to velcro something to your hand.
11. Before going to sleep, you look under your bed for Shadows.
12. You see Die Hard and comment on how much that guy looks like Garabaldi.
13. When you get drunk, you start talking with a Centauri accent.
14. On your birthday, you get a sudden craving for Bagna Cauda.
15. You refer to the local 'red light district' as 'downbelow'.
16. You know all four opening monologues off by heart.
17. You start having nightmares about soul hunters.
18. You get very wary of anyone wearing black gloves.
19. You get in an accident and when you call 911, you ask them to send someone
to take you to medlab.
20. You see a bar fight and start calling for Garibaldi.
21. You consider cocooning yourself as a remedy for hair loss.
22. You hunt through the toy shops for a teddy bear with JS on.
23. You complain because your local news isn't as good as ISN.
24. You check the newspaper for the latest on the Mars rebellion.
25. You make comments about 'gropos' every time you see anything about the army.
26. Someone asks you where the UN meets and you say 'Earthdome'.
27. You refer to a gun as a PPG.
28. You spend six hours discussing what Kosh is.
29. When somebody says 'BFranklin' you think of the doctor, not the Founding 
Father.
30. You can spell Strazinscky right.
31. You refuse to go to San Diego on the grounds that it's a radioactive 
wasteland.

@ 1995 Jenna Povey and Greg Pearson, may be distributed freely in its 
entirety.